Self-compassion: it's worth the effort
Hi there,
This month's theme on our community has been self-compassion: what it is and how to develop it. By the time you read this, I'll have published three podcast episodes and two blog posts on the topic, facilitated a 'Learn at Lunch' session and run a masterclass on how to cultivate it.
While this might sound like a lot, it reflects my passion for the topic and my focus on getting the concept in front of as many eyes (and into as many ears!) as possible. As a coaching psychologist, I've witnessed first hand what a lack of self-compassion can do to people's wellbeing, but also the incredible difference small self-compassion practices can make. I also regularly see that it's misunderstood
Self-compassion arises when we bring three skills to life:
- Mindful awareness of the present moment, to notice how we are and the discomfort or suffering we're experience. This helps us explore pain without be subsumed by it.
- Self-kindness, where we engage with our pain in a way that acknowledges it as real and attempt to do something to alleviate it. This helps us avoid 'pushing through' or denying our difficulties.
- Connection, or common humanity, where we remember tat we're part of something bigger and definitely not alone in our suffering. This helps us connect with others and avoid isolating ourselves.
What am I missing?
A lack of self-compassion isn't always obvious, by which I mean: clients don't come to my door asking for help to be more compassionate to themselves. What they do bring to the table is:
- Unsustainable striving after overwhelming goals
- Failure to take a break or engage meaningfully in rest
- Prioritising everyone else's needs and wellbeing
- Buying in to stories from the 'inner critic'
- Chronic rumination over past mistakes
What these all have in common is a lack of care for the self. A belief that - for some reason - other people are much more deserving of compassion. And sometimes, that self-compassion is simply a luxury they can't afford.
It's not always easy
I can definitely see where my clients are coming from when they de-prioritise self-compassion. Goals, tasks, responsibilities and pressures are much more front of mind. They're also more compelling, in that clients often know what to do when they think of their workload: just keep going. When it comes to self-compassion, the starting point can seem less tangible and even fly in the face of their 'logic' that working harder is the answer.
Pausing to take a break can feel like a waste of time. Asking for help can feel like an admission of failure. Turning down requests from others can seem like a betrayal. Questioning the validity of our standards and our effort can seem like self-sabotage.
Self-compassion requires us to get in touch with a present moment and emotions we'd much rather deny or suppress. It involves acknowledging that we're not the first human to feel this way and we won't be the last. And being honest with ourselves that our habitual coping strategies (e.g. more effort!) aren't helping us one bit.
So, rather than being an easy cop-out or avoidance of effort, self-compassion can be tough - but definitely worthwhile.
But it's worth the effort
The research evidence is clear: self-compassion is associated with a host of positive wellbeing outcomes including lowered stress, anxiety and depression, higher life satisfaction and more interpersonal connection. Self-compassion means we're doing the things that matter when it comes to wellbeing and that we're approaching life in a more realistic and sustainable way.
Investing in our sleep improves our performance the following day. Pausing between tasks allows us to notice the benefits of taking a break. Engaging in regular movement improves mood, problem-solving and sleep.
Simple things, done with intention and regularity, are the starting point. They are the powerful antidote to unrealistic personal standards and relentless effort in the pursuit of perfection.
And you can start now
You can practice self-compassion right now. No need to wait until you've completed your to-do list (be honest: will you ever get everything done?) or for "when things calm down a little". They never will. Seize the opportunity and take a moment to notice what you need in this moment.
- Maybe it's a break from the screen
- Perhaps it's a walk, to break up your sedentary day
- You might need some water, to boost hydration and focus
- Maybe you need to step outside and get some air
- Or maybe right now is the perfect time to wrap up your working day
As I point out in a recent blog post:
"Self-compassion, like any form of compassion, is a practice rather than a single decision. It builds through consistent small acts, not grand gestures – and the evidence is clear that it is one of the more reliable routes to sustainable high performance, not a distraction from it."
Where to learn more
- Check out the last three episodes of 'My Pocket Psych', wherever you get your podcasts or direct from worklifepsych.com/podcast. This includes an interview with the terrific Dr. Fiona Jane Meechan, an expert in self-compassion and wellbeing.
- Book a free, no commitment chemistry session, to learn more about how one-to-one coaching can support your self-compassion and health.
- Or get in touch to find out more about how we can run compassion-focused training, or incorporate the skills into your existing wellbeing programme.
- Sign up to WorkLifeSpark, where you'll be able to watch the recording of this month's Learn at Lunch session, all about self-compassion and its benefits.
